Losing It

Ever have one of those times in your life where you were clear on what it was God wanted you to do?  You knew you were on a path that He wanted you on. You were prepared.  You were steady. You were confident. You had it all under control.
Yeah, me neither.

In fact, I realized something.....
I do not have to have control.  I don't have to understand. I do not have to be cool and collected.  I do not even have to always "like" what God has asked me to do.
I do have to believe....
He is God. 
He knows what's going on and I do not have to.
He has control.
I just have to continue in his will for me.  I admit that this approach to life can feel a bit like you are hanging on the edge of a cliff screaming for help.

I spent the first two weeks in Poland wondering what in the world I was doing here. Did I know adopting Olivia was what God wanted? Yes.
Did I spend a year working to get here? Yes.
Did I think I was prepared for her? Yes.
Did I care about all the above things? NO WAY!
I wanted to run home.  Home to my own kids, my own house, my own food, my own language.  I questioned why in the world I had been willing to do this in the first place. How in the world was I going to care for her and my kids too? Did I really want to make a lifetime commitment to a child I did not know? I questioned every single thing that the Lord had taught me over the past year and a half.  I did not want to do what He wanted me to.  Because let's face it....I was scared.  After all,she is scary, right?

Oh come on....she is scary. ;)

Sad thing is. My fear had nothing to do with her.
 It was just about me....giving up...ME.
I needed to be reminded that this was God's plan not mine.  I was here to glorify Him and not myself.  And although I did not feel like she was my child, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was His child; and He asked me to take her home and love her unconditionally. 
I can not say that I came to this understanding the easy way.
In fact, I feel so sorry for my husband.  He came with me on this journey because he saw my conviction and searched it out with me. It became our desire.  And then we get here and I fall apart. It wasn't pretty. Yet he put up with my insanity.  He only ditched me on the side of the road once. I survived the walk back to the institution with a stroller on the skinny, pot holed road with cars swerving around me at mach speed.
Otherwise, he was great. ;)
And I was a mess.
But I decided that day....after surviving my walk. (dramatic pause)
I lost "control" because maybe that was the only way for me to let Christ gain it.  And you know, no matter how many times God teaches me to let Him be in control (which is quite often); it always so much better when I learn that all the questions and fears can rest on His shoulders. And I can give Him the control of it all.
 I am ok with the fact that I am a living object lesson of "I can do all things through Christ - because without out Him I am a disaster."


 "The good news is that Jesus does not call you to control everything, nor does He expect you to. Actually, He wants you to be okay with the fact that you can’t. Your “success” is not measured by your capacity to keep everything in order; it’s determined by your ability to trust that even in the chaos Jesus is beautiful – and even in the mess, so are you." --unknown