Is What Is, Really How It Should Be?

The other day, I was joking with a friend about my first world problems of not being able to brew the "perfect" cup of tea.  I told her that my lame attempts at chai just couldn't quite compare to the one time I had a chai latte at Panera with her.... the place where people are paid to make a perfect cup of tea.  My attempts seemed so blah in comparison. So I decided, that I shall never again drink tea...you know...since it is not "perfect". Right?  No, seriously...who could stop drinking tea (sorry coffee drinkers...you can throw coffee in there every time I bring up tea if it makes you feel better). So do I drink my sub-par tea or quit? Can I accept what is even though there are people out there drinking better?

You see it's easy to look around us and see "perfection" and think we don't compare.  It's easy to look at our lives and see a murky, blah, not very interesting cup of life.  For the last year or so I have been fighting with the realization that... "What if my life is what it is?"... "What if things don't get better?" Then what?  There may never be perfect harmony, perfect health, perfect love, a perfect situation...

Is this ok?

I used to be under the delusion that God was using a rough situation to teach me a lesson....and once I learned that lesson, things would immediately improve. (Yes, I hear you chuckling.) I kept asking Him what I was supposed to learn from the hard things.  The quicker I figured out what I need to learn/fix, then the quicker my problems would cease to exist.  In time, I realized that maybe things were not going to improve....I was working so hard and yet nothing was changing.  "Wait what?!? I did all that personal improvement for nothing? What do I do now? I wan't peace....I can't do this hard stuff forever."

Could God really have a purpose in letting us live with a hard situation...a child who may never be "normal", an illness that may never be remedied, a broken marriage, a severed relationship, a less than glamorous job, financial instability, a rebellious child....? Does He really want us weak and powerless to change our life? Ummm...yes.

"Likewise the Spirit helps in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words, And He who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:26-28

I'm not sure about you, but this verse is very hard to swallow; and yet it goes down so sweet and smooth. The Lord says we are weak...(yep, that is hard to accept)....that we don't know what to pray for...(Great, really, all those prayers I prayed for Him to fix me/fix others/fix problems were probably not at all what was needed). And yet, here's where it gets good....He searches our hearts, intercedes, and knows what the will of God is for us. He knows what is good for us. Wow.

Do you ever look at your trouble and trials and see God?  I know it is hard...but He is there.  He intercedes for you.  No matter how weak we get. No matter how often we cry out in prayer for the pain to go away.  He's there making sure our prayers are heard.  He is holding us through this (no matter how long it lasts) and making sure all things work out for good. Our idea of good?  Probably not.  But His good is so much better than we can imagine.

So if you are still fighting for the life that looks perfect....let go.  A hard situation is a lot able to bear when we walk with Him and let Him carry it for us. Lose the idea of the "perfect" cup of life and drink the one He has for you. You may find out that He is using the life you are in for His glory.

"For whoever would save His life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it. For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul?" Mark 8:35

And if you are wondering...yes, I do still drink my sub-par tea.  I keep trying to tweak it. I've tried probably 6 different brands of chai!!! I know, it's a crazy quest of mine. So if you have any suggestions, I am all ears.  Unless, of course, you are going to tell me to drink coffee instead; and then, I am not listening.

Wounds of Change

 Today I am sitting here in my favorite chair by the fire watching it rain. I love days like this. Big heavy gray clouds and changing leaves are the essence of fall.  And yet today is a day that I would rather sweep under the rug. The day I admit....change hurts.  Yep. It took me a year to say that.  In just a few days, I would have officially have not typed on this blog for a full year. Why? Change.  Oh wait, I have seen that word before somewhere....right....it's up there in the title.

Change is a fickle thing.  One minute you are embracing it...it's beautiful and full of purpose.  And the next you are heaping shovels filled with dirt upon it.  You do anything to make it stop...to hide it's effects. Because not all change is fun.  Not all change brings smiles and fuzzy hearts.  Some changes just break your heart, your will, your desire to move on. And yet God asks us to continually change....change to be more like Him and less like ourselves. THIS. IS. HARD.  THIS. IS. OVERWHELMING. THIS. IS. NECESSARY. And so with a heart full of change, I am here.

Today I picked up a computer covered in the dust of neglect, dusted it off, spent an hour guessing at the password, sorted through pictures that weren't mine, cried a little, deleted things that were no longer necessary.. I had to change the computer passwords and username.  And change the screensaver....it is now the only picture that I found that made me cry. Because this is not my computer, they aren't my pictures, my saved websites, my favorites....it's my mom's. But for some reason this dusty thing screamed at me from it's corner today....time to stop hiding in a dusty corner.

A friend told me the other day that she missed my blogs and although I wanted to be funny and sarcastic and act like I didn't know why in the world she would even bother reading them, I decided to be honest.  I said, "Sorry...I just couldn't do it anymore..." And guess what? She didn't answer me...at all. No "there,there, baby". Nothing.  And whether it was intentional or she just got busy and forgot to answer, it bugged me.  I kept thinking about my answer. And I asked myself "why?"

Because hard change is something we keep to ourselves.  It's something we leave in the closet.  We don't want to let people see the hard stuff...the stuff that truly changes who we are.
When change takes longer than we expected; when it doesn't come and we want it to; when it does come or we wish so badly that it didn't have to......I know you've been there too.
And sadly, when you go through something like this you think, "no one really wants to know this part of my life".  You cover it all up with pretty posed pictures and "I'm fine".   I know I am not the only one who does this.  You are out there....I know it.  Something happened. Something hurt.  Something changed... and you hid.  Instead of baring the wounds of change in the open, you covered them.

 "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God." Psalm 42:11

I'm sitting here today on my mom's computer for a reason. Christ is my hope. He was my mom's hope. And she was a fighter...she didn't quit until He was ready for her to. So...no matter how hard the difficulty, no matter how long the struggle....let Him change you.  You might think it was better before (and let me tell you...there are days...I think this way too much). And sadly for y'all it's time for me to bare some wounds. It's time to let fear go....embrace hard change. And give it all to God. I hope you will join me.

 There is hope in Him...He loves us...He changes us...He's got this...Tell Him "Thank You!"...even if it's still bleeding.