Today I am sitting here in my favorite chair by the fire watching it rain. I love days like this. Big heavy gray clouds and changing leaves are the essence of fall. And yet today is a day that I would rather sweep under the rug. The day I admit....change hurts. Yep. It took me a year to say that. In just a few days, I would have officially have not typed on this blog for a full year. Why? Change. Oh wait, I have seen that word before somewhere....right....it's up there in the title.
Change is a fickle thing. One minute you are embracing it...it's beautiful and full of purpose. And the next you are heaping shovels filled with dirt upon it. You do anything to make it stop...to hide it's effects. Because not all change is fun. Not all change brings smiles and fuzzy hearts. Some changes just break your heart, your will, your desire to move on. And yet God asks us to continually change....change to be more like Him and less like ourselves. THIS. IS. HARD. THIS. IS. OVERWHELMING. THIS. IS. NECESSARY. And so with a heart full of change, I am here.
Today I picked up a computer covered in the dust of neglect, dusted it off, spent an hour guessing at the password, sorted through pictures that weren't mine, cried a little, deleted things that were no longer necessary.. I had to change the computer passwords and username. And change the screensaver....it is now the only picture that I found that made me cry. Because this is not my computer, they aren't my pictures, my saved websites, my favorites....it's my mom's. But for some reason this dusty thing screamed at me from it's corner today....time to stop hiding in a dusty corner.
A friend told me the other day that she missed my blogs and although I wanted to be funny and sarcastic and act like I didn't know why in the world she would even bother reading them, I decided to be honest. I said, "Sorry...I just couldn't do it anymore..." And guess what? She didn't answer me...at all. No "there,there, baby". Nothing. And whether it was intentional or she just got busy and forgot to answer, it bugged me. I kept thinking about my answer. And I asked myself "why?"
Because hard change is something we keep to ourselves. It's something we leave in the closet. We don't want to let people see the hard stuff...the stuff that truly changes who we are.
When change takes longer than we expected; when it doesn't come and we want it to; when it does come or we wish so badly that it didn't have to......I know you've been there too.
And sadly, when you go through something like this you think, "no one really wants to know this part of my life". You cover it all up with pretty posed pictures and "I'm fine". I know I am not the only one who does this. You are out there....I know it. Something happened. Something hurt. Something changed... and you hid. Instead of baring the wounds of change in the open, you covered them.
"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God." Psalm 42:11
I'm sitting here today on my mom's computer for a reason. Christ is my hope. He was my mom's hope. And she was a fighter...she didn't quit until He was ready for her to. So...no matter how hard the difficulty, no matter how long the struggle....let Him change you. You might think it was better before (and let me tell you...there are days...I think this way too much). And sadly for y'all it's time for me to bare some wounds. It's time to let fear go....embrace hard change. And give it all to God. I hope you will join me.
There is hope in Him...He loves us...He changes us...He's got this...Tell Him "Thank You!"...even if it's still bleeding.
