I Forgot

I forgot!

I forgot to dread getting out of bed to a little girl who disliked me. I forgot to rehash each day to see what I had done wrong or right with her. I forgot to get annoyed every time she ran to a stranger for love instead of me. I forgot to lay in bed every night relieved to have few hours of time away from her. I forgot to resist the urge to glare back when she glared at me. I forgot to pray every night that God would make sense of all the frustration, fear, and anger that oozed out both her and I. I forgot...

.....because one day, when I wasn't paying attention God answered. 

She forgot that she didn't want me for a mother.

I forgot she hasn't always been my daughter.

The other night I looked over at her sitting with her dad and siblings and couldn't possibly imagine what life would be like without her. 

I think from that moment 3 years ago when I looked over at the ultrasound machine and realized that I was indeed not going to have another girl...there was this little girl about to be born in Poland that God had planned for me.

So no matter how incapable you feel, no matter how hard it might be, no matter how difficult it is to make sense of, no matter how frustrating each day plays out.... just forget....forget that you "can't possibly do it" and remember HE CAN.

"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore with I rather glory in mine infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 

2 Corinthians 12:9

"And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." 2 Corinthians 9:8 

  

Oops...it's been a while!

So....yes....it's been four months since I have darkened the door of this blog. I would say it is because I couldn't access the internet, but that would only be partially true. I can access it on my phone, which is what I am doing now. Typing like this is really quite tedious.
My main reason though is a little more complicating. Life has been complicating. Every day has been a new experience and challenge. I have learned so many things....things I can admit, I did not want to learn. Because let's face it....who likes to realize they have no idea what they are doing.

Olivia.

I am not even sure where to begin. She has changed so much in the past few months. and yet...she hasn't.  She is a little slimmer from all the chasing and running from siblings. Her hair has grown like crazy. But she has decided that being small in stature is a big benefit. I think she may be in 2T clothing until she said is 7.

She still speaks very little. She will only say words if prompted. We are hoping to have her enrolled in speech therapy soon. On the other hand, she is a big fan of sign language. She likes to sign "Jesus Loves Me" and "Oh How I Love Jesus".
She likes animals from a distance. And she really enjoys being outside in the dirt. She can spend hours just sitting out in the yard digging and throwing dirt and rocks. She also loves books...and her Dad...and strangers.

Us.

We are adjusting. Daily. Every day is different.
We have learned so much about RAD (reactive attachment disorder) and its effects on children. This is by far the biggest hurdle for us. RAD is serious and it can rock your world. Especially for a mom (I might try to elaborate more on this later).
We are still trying to differentiate between normal Down Syndrome behavior and RAD. This is very confusing. And down right exasperating.
And mainly we have learned that apart from Christ, there is no way we could survive this. He is a shelter in a time of storm. He has to daily reminded us the importance of forgiveness, self control, patience, perseverance.....and the list goes on and on.
Because let's face it. Adoption is awesome...but it is not easy. And sometimes we find the hard things in life are the most rewarding.

Every Good Gift

Ever been given a gift that you though, "Why in the world did they give me this?" You know how it is...the ugly sweater, the gaudy jewelry, the fruitcake, the fencing pliers from your husband (true story). Christmas is a time of gift giving...gifts given and received from loved ones.  No gift we ever receive from others can ever compare to the ones that God gives us. Because He declares that His gifts are ALWAYS GOOD...in fact He even goes as far to say that they are PERFECT.

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning." James 1:17

Sometimes though we look at His gifts and wonder..."What was He thinking? This is a hard gift." You wonder why He picked this specific gift for you.  But He did...and if you seek Him, you realize...it is a PERFECT gift.

THE GIFT OF BEN

written by Hope Budahl Robertson

Where to begin? Maybe I should start by telling you that I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl in June of 2011 and said to my husband, “I think our family is complete. We have 6 beautiful, healthy children, and I’m getting older. The odds of having a problem with one are getting higher. We are done.”

   Maybe I should explain that I have often enjoyed my times with people who have special needs, and in the back of my mind wondered (somewhat fearfully) if God was preparing me for a special needs kid of my own. Maybe I’ll just get to the point. Just after the New Year 2013, I found out that I was pregnant with our 7th child. Though not exactly “planned,” I was thrilled. Every new life is a precious gift, and I looked forward to enjoying one last pregnancy, which I expected to run just like my other 6 seamless pregnancies. However, when I had not yet felt the baby move by 20 weeks, I started to get a little concerned. I called the hospital, and was scheduled for an ultrasound that very day. Upon seeing the heart beat and the tiny baby wiggling on the screen, my fears were relieved…until the doctor walked in and said, “There are a few anomalies on this ultrasound. There is some extra fluid at the back of the baby’s brain, his kidney is enlarged, and you have a one artery umbilical cord. It could be nothing, but your doctor should be calling you in a few days.” At the time, I had no idea what would be coming. Later that night, my OB doctor called. “I think this is of concern. One or even two markers wouldn’t matter, but to see these 3 together is more concerning. I’m going to refer you to a specialist.” Two long weeks later, Jonathan went with me to the ultrasound at the neo-natal clinic. The technician finished up and left the room. When the door opened and 5 or 6 people walked in, we knew there was trouble. Multiple anomalies had been found. There was something wrong with nearly every part of our son’s body. The diagnosis…prepare for a still-born baby. My heart was broken, and I begged God to take the baby quickly. As the shock wore off, I began to reflect that God would see us through this. I remained firm in my belief that He is good, all the time. Not just when things go as I want them to. Friends and family gathered around us, assuring us of their love and prayers. Friends from all around the world heard of our situation and began to pray, and our spirits were comforted. The grief was still there, but God’s presence was greater. The option to terminate the pregnancy was given since it was the opinion of the doctors that the baby would likely not survive, and if he did, he’d be severely handicapped. We stated in no uncertain terms that this was not an option, and it was not brought up again. Rather, everything possible would be done for me and the baby during the remainder of the pregnancy. Multiple genetic tests were done. One by one the obvious diagnoses were ruled out. Specialists were consulted and research was done, but there were no answers. Our hopes would rise and fall and rise again as new possibilities were presented and then disproved. Months of research culminated in one final conclusion, given by the geneticist. “We can hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.” Because the baby was growth restricted, the doctors feared going past 38 weeks, so Oct. 1 was the date chosen for my induction. A routine induction turned into an emergency C-section, and Benjamin Seth, “son of my right hand, in place of the one who was dead,” was delivered in the early hours of Oct. 2. By the time I awakened from being knocked out, Benjamin was already in the NICU, and I was too weak to even lift a finger. But, he was alive!

  The following weeks are a blur, as test after test was run on Benjamin. A tentative decision was made that Ben’s physical anomalies are caused by the very rare Peter’s Plus syndrome, though no tests have been done to confirm. Tests also showed that my tiny baby would need a fairly routine open heart surgery for a total anomalous pulmonary venous return, or he would not live. So, Ben was moved to yet another facility, where the doctors successfully performed a life-saving heart operation on my very weak and sick one month old baby.

  The surgery was the jump-start Benjamin needed. He began to rapidly gain strength. He started to respond to me, and smile at me, and I could hold him without sending his oxygen levels plummeting or his heart rate sky-rocketing.

 

  Two weeks later, he had a gastrointestinal tube put in, since he cannot swallow yet. This was the final step needed before he could come home. On Tuesday, Dec. 10, exactly 10 weeks after I went in for induction, Benjamin came home. We are filled with gratitude to the God who heals. Yes, Benjamin has some issues that will require continuing medical care and therapy for awhile, but there is great hope for improvement. Most of all, God was with us through the uncertainties of the pregnancy, the momentous birth, and the emotionally fraught weeks surrounding the heart surgery, and we KNOW that He will not forsake us now. Those who said, “Are you sure you really want to go through with the heart surgery? After all, Benjamin has so many things wrong with him, and every time we look, we seem to find something else,” are now saying, “Well, Benjamin surprised us.” He’s doing so much better than anyone ever expected and the word from the doctors is now, “He has a long life ahead of him and anything else he needs done is nothing compared to what he’s already been through.” We can truthfully say, we are thankful for this experience. We are thankful for the lessons learned and the opportunity to see God’s hand at work in Benjamin’s and our lives. God is good, ALL the time.

 

Merry Christmas!
 

Understanding This Love

When we told people we were adoptiong, most people were pretty positive about it.  There were some rather negative responses though.  And one really stuck with me....probably because it sort of defines the beginning part of this adoption so well.

"Why would you adopt someone who is never going to understand what you did for them?"

I admit that when I was asked this, I was a little offended. In all my "righteous" (haha) anger, I thought. "Because that is not the point!!!! We were adopting because God has asked to adopt. And He went as far as to ask us to adopt someone who may not quite understand." (See! Good thing I only thought this and did not say it out loud.) I am hoping that this person was just trying to prepare me. And although I thought that my mind was prepared, I could never understand what they were saying until I actually experienced it. And experience it, I did!!!

Olivia didn't need me. As far as she knew, she was just fine where she was. She didn't need attention or food or therapy....she was cared for. And no matter how much I told myself to understand this, it was exceedingly hard to embrace.

From the moment we stepped into her institution, they took every opportunity to show us just how well she was taken care of...how much they were doing for her. And then they pointed out that I may not be able to take care of her the way they do. Parents were unnecessary for a child like her, because she just needed therapy, food, and a place to keep her safe. Right?

I fought hard to keep my mind wrapped around the fact that God had chosen us to raise her. It was a battle in my mind each day. And even when they finally stopped telling me I was inadequate to meet her needs and the judge declared her ours, I still had trouble connecting with this child. This child who thought I had ruined her rather fun life. She glared, she moaned, she cried any time she actually had to do anything with me. She disliked me and she wanted away from me. I had no idea a child could so strongly dislike their "Mom". She wanted life the way it was...and she still does. Do I expect her to understand? No. But my heart screams for her to understand that just because my love is different than attention she had before, it is still love.

Do you see a parallel here? I know I do. How many times do we look at our Christian life and just want things to be the way they were before? How much easier was it before we actually understood what it meant to be adopted , to be chosen,to be loved by Someone we have never met.

According as he hath chosen us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before him in love: Having predestinated us unto the adoption of children by Jesus Christ to himself, according to the good pleasure of his will. Ephesians 1:4-5

To realize that being adopted means that our life has to change. Their are new expectations, rules....a new life....different from our life before. We are to reach out add love the One who loved us first. Even if our life in Him is a little harder at times. Even if we feel He is not easy. Even if He has expectations of us.

To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved. In whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of his grace;Wherein he hath abounded toward us in all wisdom and prudence; Having made known unto us the mystery of his will, according to his good pleasure which he hath purposed in himself: Ephesians 1:6-9

He is not attention. He is not always fun. He isn't easy. He is LOVE UNCONDITIONAL. He is our inheritance.
Do we ever fully understand? Do we understand what it's like to have a new parent?

The eyes of your understanding being enlightened; that ye may know what is the hope of his calling, and what the riches of the glory of his inheritance in the saints. Ephesians 1:18

So as I hope some day, for a bit of love and acceptance from Olivia. I am daily reminded that I am also adopted, chosen, and loved. Do I live my life in such a way that shows Him that I love Him, accept Him, understand His love?

Is this the end?

Almost two months have passed since I last posted.  I would blame how busy it has been (and it has been busy), but I know that is not the complete truth. I have struggled with whether to continue writing on this blog or to just close it.  It served it's purpose, right?  I was able to let you follow along on our rather wild journey of adopting Olivia. And now she's home. And in all my pride...I decided I would rather not tell you about the struggles and frustrations that have accompanied being home. I just told myself that what I had to say really wouldn't help anyone. Or would it?
Today, while I scrubbed out behind my stove and refrigerator (nasty job), I argued with myself (yes, this happens often). To end or not to end?  Do you really want to hear about valleys and shadows?  I like to call it my "trenches".  Because sometimes they are just there and I stumble into them, and other times I dig them myself. I know that for myself, those trenches are a rather wonderful part of the life God has given me.  Because it seems that when I finally get to the end of one, God reveals something rather glorious!
So here is what I have decided....y'all get to decide!  Do you really want to hear about the "way that Christ changes  me/us"? Let me know....

....because I will empty the next post out of my brain and make room for something like a password or recipe.

One Month

It is hard to believe that I have officially been in Poland for a month.  You know, people always say "Time flies"....it doesn't.  I feel as if I have been here forever.  Leave someone you love behind (or five someones) and just see how quickly the time goes. But this has been a learning experience for me.  Let me divide it up this way....

Things I have learned about Olivia.

1. She is a rambunctious, energy filled kid. She fights. She plays. She pouts (a lot). Why is it that people assume that because you have Down Syndrome that you are somehow different?
2. She has some medical issues that definitely need dealt with at home. Most of them can be addressed by a Ear, Nose and Throat doctor.  She snores while she is awake and when she swallows, it sounds like she is swallowing rocks.
3. She has clothing issues.  She likes them off...so she can put them back on...and take them back off.  This is harmless (other than stretched socks and shirts) but drives me insane.
4. She is an excellent car traveller (opposed to what the nuns told us).  None of my kids travel as well as she has.
5. She has no "full" gauge when it comes to food.  And although this is funny (because, don't we all feel this way sometimes?); it can be really bad for her. 
6. She doesn't know how to handle attention. This can also be potentially bad for her.
7.She has a really weird laugh.  I am serious.  I have never heard anything like it...ok wait, I have.  Riley can make a laugh similar to this when he wants to, but he has to force it and it comes natural for her.
8. Her feet, I am absolutely certain, are square.
9. If you put her in a swing, you may never get her back out.
10. She backwashes...do not EVER share your drink with her!

Things I have learned about Poland.

1. Poland is beautiful
2. Poland is crowded.
3. The weather is very unpredictable. Sunny and warm one day and then cold and rainy the next.
4. The people are very, very laid back.  Never assume how long it is going to take even the simplest things to get done ...like a passport photo.
5. The only time the are not laid back is when they are driving.   And signs are a suggestion here.  I am not even sure they have stop signs.
6. They have "American Food" restaurants here.  I am not sure why this is weird to me.  Maybe because most "American" food is Italian, Mexican, French...etc.
7. Old ladies ride their bikes to church on Sunday with their high-heels on.
8. And there really are little old men who sit on the bus stop bench reading novels...legs crossed, cane leaning against them, scarf wrapped around their neck, hat on.
9. The trees are so amazing to see.  Color everywhere.

Things I have learned about myself.

1. I like tea. (I think.)

2. I can't handle being away from my kids this long. (I already knew this...so I guess this one should not be on this list.)

3. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done.
4. Hence, I have eaten way more chocolate bars than I would care to admit. (Their chocolate is fantastic here.)

5. I am not at all classy looking, pushing a stroller with one toddler in it and dragging the other toddler by a leash. (Yes, everyone stares. Weird foreigner.)
6. Every. day. is. hard.  I don't mean this as a reflection of Poland....it is a reflection of me.  I get up wishing the day was already over.  I know God is pushing and sometimes pulling me through each day.  I have something each day to learn and I have to look for it.  Even if the day only teaches me "Karen, you need to learn to chill out and relax. Not everything is going to go smoothly today, so get over yourself."
7. I do NOT envy people with twins. AT ALL. (To those of you who have them or are going to have them, "You are my hero.") I have no idea how to contain these two.  It's as if I am constantly getting on to someone. "Stop putting that pillow on her head." "Stop licking the mirror." "No, you can't have gum again." "Would you just poop already." "Eat your supper." "Quit wiping your supper in your hair." "Sit still. You! You sit still too! Stop wiggling." "How can your nose be running again.  Stop licking your boogers."

And the lists go on and on.  Thank goodness, I get to go pick up my husband from the airport. And we can enjoy what is (hopefully) my last week in Poland together.




Losing It

Ever have one of those times in your life where you were clear on what it was God wanted you to do?  You knew you were on a path that He wanted you on. You were prepared.  You were steady. You were confident. You had it all under control.
Yeah, me neither.

In fact, I realized something.....
I do not have to have control.  I don't have to understand. I do not have to be cool and collected.  I do not even have to always "like" what God has asked me to do.
I do have to believe....
He is God. 
He knows what's going on and I do not have to.
He has control.
I just have to continue in his will for me.  I admit that this approach to life can feel a bit like you are hanging on the edge of a cliff screaming for help.

I spent the first two weeks in Poland wondering what in the world I was doing here. Did I know adopting Olivia was what God wanted? Yes.
Did I spend a year working to get here? Yes.
Did I think I was prepared for her? Yes.
Did I care about all the above things? NO WAY!
I wanted to run home.  Home to my own kids, my own house, my own food, my own language.  I questioned why in the world I had been willing to do this in the first place. How in the world was I going to care for her and my kids too? Did I really want to make a lifetime commitment to a child I did not know? I questioned every single thing that the Lord had taught me over the past year and a half.  I did not want to do what He wanted me to.  Because let's face it....I was scared.  After all,she is scary, right?

Oh come on....she is scary. ;)

Sad thing is. My fear had nothing to do with her.
 It was just about me....giving up...ME.
I needed to be reminded that this was God's plan not mine.  I was here to glorify Him and not myself.  And although I did not feel like she was my child, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was His child; and He asked me to take her home and love her unconditionally. 
I can not say that I came to this understanding the easy way.
In fact, I feel so sorry for my husband.  He came with me on this journey because he saw my conviction and searched it out with me. It became our desire.  And then we get here and I fall apart. It wasn't pretty. Yet he put up with my insanity.  He only ditched me on the side of the road once. I survived the walk back to the institution with a stroller on the skinny, pot holed road with cars swerving around me at mach speed.
Otherwise, he was great. ;)
And I was a mess.
But I decided that day....after surviving my walk. (dramatic pause)
I lost "control" because maybe that was the only way for me to let Christ gain it.  And you know, no matter how many times God teaches me to let Him be in control (which is quite often); it always so much better when I learn that all the questions and fears can rest on His shoulders. And I can give Him the control of it all.
 I am ok with the fact that I am a living object lesson of "I can do all things through Christ - because without out Him I am a disaster."


 "The good news is that Jesus does not call you to control everything, nor does He expect you to. Actually, He wants you to be okay with the fact that you can’t. Your “success” is not measured by your capacity to keep everything in order; it’s determined by your ability to trust that even in the chaos Jesus is beautiful – and even in the mess, so are you." --unknown