Stand Alone

Have you ever done something you knew was right.  And you hoped people would understand.  You hoped they would eventually see things through your eyes. You had hoped you would not be alone.  You thought you needed others to feel like you were doing what is right.

 And then you realized that was not going to happen?

What next?

Standing alone is hard.  But when you know you are never truly alone, it is possible.  You can step out against the current and do what you were called to do even if no one stands with you. God created us to need Him. And while I do feel He wanted us to have Christian friends and family to support and care for us, when they won't stand with you...STAND ALONE.  Don't back down.  Jesus is enough.  He is in you and with you no matter how alone you begin to feel. He is loyal...He's not going anywhere. 

The past few years, God has asked me to live in a way that most people in my life did  not understand. And if I am being honest here, I do not always understand it either.  My life is complicating. I have a lot of days where I wished that I could just go back in time to when I had friends, I had family, my days were predictable....and now....most days are a giant battle.  A battle I would rather not fight, but I am.  When I try to explain my life to others I get raised eyebrows, blank stares, and of course, my personal favorite, unsolicited advice. 

But I will not go back.  It's lonely here.  When He entrusted me with something hard...something others did not understand...something that might change everything, I had to let go and not worry whether I could get people to join me. And I am very slowly learning how to not be ashamed of this life He has called me to. I hope to say with confidence someday that I survived. He was enough to walk me through it all alone. 

  

"But I am not ashamed , for I know in whom I have believed, and I am now convinced that He is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted me." 2 Timothy 1:12

Pretty Box

"I've been holding on so tight,

Look at these knuckles they've gone white, 

From fighting for who I want to be,

I'm just trying to find security, 

But you say let it go, you say let it go,

You say life is waiting for the ones who lose control,

You say you will be everything I need, 

You say if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul, 

You say let it go" -- Tenth Avenue North

I am not sure about you, but I struggle with control. Control makes things predictable...makes everything fit into nice neat little boxes. Whip out the pretty damask wrapping paper and a shiny white ribbon. Don't forget the hand lettered tags (because you are awesome like that)...

Good little children box...check
Savings for retirement, college, vacations box...check
Well maintained car box...check
Perfect marriage box...check
Clean house box...check
Home-schooled children box...check
Adequate church attendance and participation box...check
Daily Bible reading box...check

These are a nice little grouping of boxes. And they look so pretty for others to see. They will see a well ordered life... picture perfect example of what a Christian should be, right?  I mean this is what control is about, right?....making sure our lives look perfect to those around us. We will win the world for Christ through our appealing lifestyle.

But what if God asks you to let it go.  Open the boxes!  Because the life He chose for us isn't lived in a perfectly trimmed out box. Maybe it will be messy...maybe it will be hard...maybe it will involve sacrifice.

"For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the Gospel's will save it." --Mark 8:35

I am slowly beginning to understand the enormity of loss we have when we control our outcome; when we control what, when, where, and how things are going to happen for us and the ones we love. We seem to get this idea that God is only going to ask us to do things that are within our means.  If something takes a little more than we are comfortable with, then it couldn't possibly be God's will for us. He wouldn't ask us to give more, do more, love more, hurt more.

"He is no fool who gives what he can not keep to gain what he can not lose." --Jim Elliot

God has a beautiful story for us...and it is just right outside of our well-ordered life.  It is a story of loosing ourselves and letting go of our grip on others.  Reaching outside of our comfortable, pretty-box world and seeing the world for what it truly is. He never meant for us to sit back and enjoy comfort, safety, and security.

"If we wait until we're sure we'll do a thing purely and perfectly, we'll never accomplish the will of God on earth" -- Elisabeth Elliot

I know that at some point in your life God has or will ask you to do something beyond your control.  He is going to ask you to give more than you can give, to lose more than you want to lose,  to go where you don't want to go. He will want us to forsake that comfy, cozy feeling we have when we have everything figured out. And when He does, what will our knuckles look like?




 

Being Irrational

Rationalize - to make something irrational appear rational or reasonable; to justify; to provide a explanation of

Do you do this?  I know I do. I live pretty remote: we attend a church an hour away from our home; we shop and hour away from home; most friends and family live a good distance away from us. Suffice it to say, I spend a lot of time running around in my own head. (It's very tiring....so I nap a lot)   I told my husband the other day that since my mother passed away (yes, she called almost every day to talk about whatever), I have noticed that I have a lot of whole conversations in my head.  I even argue with myself.  I will spend an entire drive to pick up my kids from school, arguing over something that is bothering me. I will state my case and then think of all the reasons why or why not I should feel the way I do about said subject.  

And I have noticed during times I sit and mull over things with myself that I do a major amount of rationalizing.  I want what I am doing to make sense. I don't want to make a false move,  So I sit and work over in my head whether this or that is the right thing to do. 

 As a Christian this can be good in a way...you know, in a "think before you act or speak" sort of way. But I have also noticed this can be harmful too. Because no matter how much I reason in my head...I am still human and the flesh is very good at winning the "does this even sound rational" arguments.  Not everything in the Christian life is supposed to be reasonable....not everything is supposed to be justified. Christ calls us to do pretty irrational things (humanly speaking).  I am sure Jim Eliot could have rationalized his way out of going to a cannibalistic tribe...or Corrie Ten Boom from hiding Jews...or Pastor Saeed Abedini from preaching in Iran. 

Lets just say you are throwing something around in your head...your rationalizing...it could be anything really...  

I can guarantee that you have said one of these:

People are going to question my motives. 

My friends are going to disagree with me. What if I lose my friends because of this?

This is going to really chip into my savings. It doesn't make sense to not have a financial safety net.

What about my children?  How will this effect their future?

I can't do this.  I am really not qualified. --there are people out there who would be way better than me at this.

I'm just not comfortable stepping out on a limb like this.

I am not a leader.

I can't just leave a good job.

But my family and friends are here.

There are many more...trust me I have tried them all on for size. But I can tell you this... a rational life is not what Christ intended for His children. Paul certainly seemed to have had this figured out.  He knew that a rational life was not a Christian life...it was the opposite really. He was not writing just from his own personal opinion either...His words were Christ's words.  His words often sound a bit irrational...

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed every day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond comparison, as we look not on things which are seen but t things which are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal" 2 Cor. 4:16-18

"But he said to me,"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness," Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content in weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Cor. 12:9-10

"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me." Gal 2: 20

"Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ....do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only on his own interests, but also on the interests of others." Phil. 1: 27-2:4

 

Don't trade a rational life for an eternal one.

Is What Is, Really How It Should Be?

The other day, I was joking with a friend about my first world problems of not being able to brew the "perfect" cup of tea.  I told her that my lame attempts at chai just couldn't quite compare to the one time I had a chai latte at Panera with her.... the place where people are paid to make a perfect cup of tea.  My attempts seemed so blah in comparison. So I decided, that I shall never again drink tea...you know...since it is not "perfect". Right?  No, seriously...who could stop drinking tea (sorry coffee drinkers...you can throw coffee in there every time I bring up tea if it makes you feel better). So do I drink my sub-par tea or quit? Can I accept what is even though there are people out there drinking better?

You see it's easy to look around us and see "perfection" and think we don't compare.  It's easy to look at our lives and see a murky, blah, not very interesting cup of life.  For the last year or so I have been fighting with the realization that... "What if my life is what it is?"... "What if things don't get better?" Then what?  There may never be perfect harmony, perfect health, perfect love, a perfect situation...

Is this ok?

I used to be under the delusion that God was using a rough situation to teach me a lesson....and once I learned that lesson, things would immediately improve. (Yes, I hear you chuckling.) I kept asking Him what I was supposed to learn from the hard things.  The quicker I figured out what I need to learn/fix, then the quicker my problems would cease to exist.  In time, I realized that maybe things were not going to improve....I was working so hard and yet nothing was changing.  "Wait what?!? I did all that personal improvement for nothing? What do I do now? I wan't peace....I can't do this hard stuff forever."

Could God really have a purpose in letting us live with a hard situation...a child who may never be "normal", an illness that may never be remedied, a broken marriage, a severed relationship, a less than glamorous job, financial instability, a rebellious child....? Does He really want us weak and powerless to change our life? Ummm...yes.

"Likewise the Spirit helps in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words, And He who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:26-28

I'm not sure about you, but this verse is very hard to swallow; and yet it goes down so sweet and smooth. The Lord says we are weak...(yep, that is hard to accept)....that we don't know what to pray for...(Great, really, all those prayers I prayed for Him to fix me/fix others/fix problems were probably not at all what was needed). And yet, here's where it gets good....He searches our hearts, intercedes, and knows what the will of God is for us. He knows what is good for us. Wow.

Do you ever look at your trouble and trials and see God?  I know it is hard...but He is there.  He intercedes for you.  No matter how weak we get. No matter how often we cry out in prayer for the pain to go away.  He's there making sure our prayers are heard.  He is holding us through this (no matter how long it lasts) and making sure all things work out for good. Our idea of good?  Probably not.  But His good is so much better than we can imagine.

So if you are still fighting for the life that looks perfect....let go.  A hard situation is a lot able to bear when we walk with Him and let Him carry it for us. Lose the idea of the "perfect" cup of life and drink the one He has for you. You may find out that He is using the life you are in for His glory.

"For whoever would save His life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it. For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul?" Mark 8:35

And if you are wondering...yes, I do still drink my sub-par tea.  I keep trying to tweak it. I've tried probably 6 different brands of chai!!! I know, it's a crazy quest of mine. So if you have any suggestions, I am all ears.  Unless, of course, you are going to tell me to drink coffee instead; and then, I am not listening.

Wounds of Change

 Today I am sitting here in my favorite chair by the fire watching it rain. I love days like this. Big heavy gray clouds and changing leaves are the essence of fall.  And yet today is a day that I would rather sweep under the rug. The day I admit....change hurts.  Yep. It took me a year to say that.  In just a few days, I would have officially have not typed on this blog for a full year. Why? Change.  Oh wait, I have seen that word before somewhere....right....it's up there in the title.

Change is a fickle thing.  One minute you are embracing it...it's beautiful and full of purpose.  And the next you are heaping shovels filled with dirt upon it.  You do anything to make it stop...to hide it's effects. Because not all change is fun.  Not all change brings smiles and fuzzy hearts.  Some changes just break your heart, your will, your desire to move on. And yet God asks us to continually change....change to be more like Him and less like ourselves. THIS. IS. HARD.  THIS. IS. OVERWHELMING. THIS. IS. NECESSARY. And so with a heart full of change, I am here.

Today I picked up a computer covered in the dust of neglect, dusted it off, spent an hour guessing at the password, sorted through pictures that weren't mine, cried a little, deleted things that were no longer necessary.. I had to change the computer passwords and username.  And change the screensaver....it is now the only picture that I found that made me cry. Because this is not my computer, they aren't my pictures, my saved websites, my favorites....it's my mom's. But for some reason this dusty thing screamed at me from it's corner today....time to stop hiding in a dusty corner.

A friend told me the other day that she missed my blogs and although I wanted to be funny and sarcastic and act like I didn't know why in the world she would even bother reading them, I decided to be honest.  I said, "Sorry...I just couldn't do it anymore..." And guess what? She didn't answer me...at all. No "there,there, baby". Nothing.  And whether it was intentional or she just got busy and forgot to answer, it bugged me.  I kept thinking about my answer. And I asked myself "why?"

Because hard change is something we keep to ourselves.  It's something we leave in the closet.  We don't want to let people see the hard stuff...the stuff that truly changes who we are.
When change takes longer than we expected; when it doesn't come and we want it to; when it does come or we wish so badly that it didn't have to......I know you've been there too.
And sadly, when you go through something like this you think, "no one really wants to know this part of my life".  You cover it all up with pretty posed pictures and "I'm fine".   I know I am not the only one who does this.  You are out there....I know it.  Something happened. Something hurt.  Something changed... and you hid.  Instead of baring the wounds of change in the open, you covered them.

 "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God." Psalm 42:11

I'm sitting here today on my mom's computer for a reason. Christ is my hope. He was my mom's hope. And she was a fighter...she didn't quit until He was ready for her to. So...no matter how hard the difficulty, no matter how long the struggle....let Him change you.  You might think it was better before (and let me tell you...there are days...I think this way too much). And sadly for y'all it's time for me to bare some wounds. It's time to let fear go....embrace hard change. And give it all to God. I hope you will join me.

 There is hope in Him...He loves us...He changes us...He's got this...Tell Him "Thank You!"...even if it's still bleeding.

National whatever you want it to be Month

Yep it's November....national peanut butter month, national writing month, national diabetes awareness month...and the list goes on and on.  Here at the Johnson house, we have a favorite designation for this month...National Adoption Month (although peanut butter month is a close second).
Actually it is great that November is Adoption Month because November first is the first day, Olivia set foot in her new country, new home, and first family.  Up until then, she was part of a pretty staggering statistic ...163,000,000 orphans.  My mind is blown!  Hope yours is too.

It is strange how I grew up in a Christian family, went to a Christian college, and went to church my entire life and I really don't ever remember being exposed to just how many of the "fatherless" are out there.  (Now I will say, I may have been told and just forgot or didn't truly listen.) I remember hymns, I remember how I was taught to dress, I remember my memory verses and books of the Bible, I remember doctrines...I could keep going.  But sadly I never remember learning to serve "the fatherless and widows in their affliction" (James 1:27)...even though, in high school I actually memorized the entire book of James. We should be teaching our children this enough that it actually makes an impact on them.

A couple years ago, Christ gave me a wake up call.  KAREN, THEIR ARE LOTS AND LOTS OF ORPHANS...DO SOMETHING!!! (No, this was not audible. But I did hear it nonetheless.)  And ever since that day when I clicked a  web link out of curiosity, Christ has been working on my view of the fatherless.  Each day I realize just how much I fail (yep, adopting once and never doing another thing for the other millions is a failure) at acting upon the knowledge I have in my head.  We are Christians...we should act like Christ.  Who I am pretty sure did not just memorize the book of James...HE LIVED IT.

So today I am going to show you a little bit of what I have learned.  Deciding to adopt is hard. Adoption paperwork is harder. And shockingly enough, raising an adopted child is even harder.  BUT with God all things are possible.  And while you feel you may not be able to actually ADOPT, I have learned some pretty amazing things that EVERYONE can do.

So while you are sitting there enjoying National Cappuccino Day, National Housewife Day, National Deviled Egg Day(today), National Doughnut Day, National Pickle Day, or National Chicken Lady Day(my personal favorite), or even National Cook For Your Pets Day(seriously?!?), maybe you can swipe a little peanut butter on doughnut(just remember to be aware of diabetes, while doing this)...or pickle (if you are weird like that) and check out these places that actually help change the lives of orphans:

(PS. These will be in order of when I learned about them...not order of importance. And these are just a few...there are so many more.)

#1 - Reece's Rainbow   This websight will open your eyes.  It is dedicated to helping children around the world with special needs find their special families. And the great thing is...it helps those families raise money for adoption.  So whether you decide to adopt or not, you can always help someone else in their journey to adopt.

#2 - Children's House International  This was our adoption agency. They are wonderful agency.  They have many waiting children listed.  I am really rooting for one of their waiting children...I hope she finds a home soon.

(Photo Credit: CHI -this is Olivia)

#3 - Chances 4 Children This place is fantastic.  They have such a broad range of ways to help orphans in Haiti.  They run orphanages and medical clinics, help women with jobs so they can keep their children, and sponsor orphaned children for schooling, food, and medical care.  So if you can spare a little money each month...there are many children in Haiti who can use a sponsor.

(photo credit: Chances4Children's facebook page)

#4- Pure Religion Apparel Here's something a little less intense.  Help people fund their adoptions by buying these t-shirts for your family for Christmas. 50% of the cost of each shirt goes to an adopting family! (They even have a section which raises money to help the persecuted Christians in the Middle East --just throwing that in their even though it doesn't have to do with adoption.) Great shop...great causes!!!

(Photo Credit: Pure Religion's facebook page)

#5 - Snowflake Embryo Adoptions Now this one was a stretch even for me...I just learned about this one.  Did you know how many embryos are frozen in US? 600,000!!! Yep.  These are CHILDREN who may never be given the option of being born.  They have 3 fates: being discarded (seriously, people?!?), being dedicated to science (think stem cell research here...sorry, but I find this wrong) or they can be ADOPTED!  Yep, there are parents who have chosen to make sure their frozen CHILDREN (because let's face it, they are children) are born even if it is not to them! What an amazing choice! And who knew you could actually give birth to your adopted child?!?

And this is just my short list...so do SOMETHING this National Adoption Month.  Because there are 163,000,000 kids out there who deserve for Christians to follow Christ example...
"Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world." James 1:27

One Year

October 9th, 2013 Weronika Radola officially became Olivia Veronica Johnson.

 

 And I have been wracking my brain for the right words to express what to say that would properly sum up life with Olivia has been like this year.  And I decieded that I have no words (shocking, right).  I can not adequately say what needs to be said about her...about us...about life. So I chose to say it through the words of a song that has really spoken to me...when I hear it, I am ever reminded of THIS LOVE. You know, the love God exemplifies. The one He teaches. The one He asks us to share with others. The love we should fight for. 

 

Love is not a place

To come and go as we please

It's a house we enter in

And then commit to never leave

So lock the door behind you

Throw away the key

We'll work out together

Let it bring us to our knees

To some love is a word

That they fall into

But when they're falling out

Keeping their word is hard to do

Love will come to save us

If we only call

He will ask nothing from us

But demand we give our all

Love is a shelter

In a raging storm

Love is peace

In the middle of a war

If we try to leave

May God send angels to bar the door

No, love is not a fight

But it is something worth fighting for.

I will fight for you will fight for you

Will you fight for me?

Because love is worth fighting for...

 

-Warren Barfield

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Adequate

Adequate: Sufficient to satisfy a requirement or meet a need

 

Do you ever have trouble with this word? 

I do.

I have been fighting with this word for a while.  In fact, I generally try to use it as an excuse to be inactive. "Lord, I am too young. I am too busy. I have too many other responsibilities. I am short-tempered. I don't have the money.  I am INADEQUATE."  I sit back and do nothing, because I fear not being able to "satisfy a requirement or meet a need". So I wait for that magical time when I will feel that I am adequate. 

And then I stumble upon Ephesians again...and I am reminded...

 

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who hath blessed us with all spiritual blessings in heavenly places in Christ:

According as he hath chosen us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before him in love:

 Having predestinated us unto the adoption of children by Jesus Christ to himself, according to the good pleasure of his will,

 To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved.

 In whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of his grace;

 Wherein he hath abounded toward us in all wisdom and prudence;

 Having made known unto us the mystery of his will, according to his good pleasure which he hath purposed in himself:

 That in the dispensation of the fulness of times he might gather together in one all things in Christ, both which are in heaven, and which are on earth; even in him:

  In whom also we have obtained an inheritance, being predestinated according to the purpose of him who worketh all things after the counsel of his own will:

 That we should be to the praise of his glory, who first trusted in Christ.

 In whom ye also trusted, after that ye heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation: in whom also after that ye believed, ye were sealed with that holy Spirit of promise,

 Which is the earnest of our inheritance until the redemption of the purchased possession, unto the praise of his glory.

 Wherefore I also, after I heard of your faith in the Lord Jesus, and love unto all the saints,

 Cease not to give thanks for you, making mention of you in my prayers;

 That the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give unto you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of him:

 The eyes of your understanding being enlightened; that ye may know what is the hope of his calling, and what the riches of the glory of his inheritance in the saints,

 And what is the exceeding greatness of his power to us-ward who believe, according to the working of his mighty power,

 Which he wrought in Christ, when he raised him from the dead, and set him at his own right hand in the heavenly places,

 Far above all principality, and power, and might, and dominion, and every name that is named, not only in this world, but also in that which is to come:

 And hath put all things under his feet, and gave him to be the head over all things to the church,

 Which is his body, the fulness of him that filleth all in all." Ephesians 1:3-23 

 

...And I realize, I will never be "adequate" if I am looking for it in myself.  I will never be sufficient.  But the most amazing thing is....CHRIST is our sufficiency.  He can make us "adequate" because...HE IS ADEQUATE.

I don't have to sit back and wait to be someone that I think I am not yet. I need to quit using myself as an excuse for not acting.

 

"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them." Ephesians 2:10

 

We all are adequate for whatever He has for us to do...we are His workmanship. Created unto good works! We are sufficient to meet that need...we are sufficient to satisfy whatever He requires of us.  Because HE IS in all, over all, he is all in all.

 

Conquer the fear of inadequacy...because we can not walk the path He has chosen for us until we realize... He CAN therefore we CAN. Nothing robs the world of Christ more than Christians who are only doing the things they feel they are adequate for.

 

Ashes

 

Does life ever weigh heavy upon you?  It seems as though it is pressing so hard that giving up would be better than going on?  It always bothered me as a child when someone would tell me something to the effect of "the Lord is coming back...it is just too bad in this world". Like the Lord was going to come rescue us out of our hardship because no Christian ever had ever experienced hardships such as ours. Seriously?!? 

And as a child I thought this was ridiculous...and in essence, it is.  But...

 

I admit I have felt this same way recently.  Like the it would be better if the Lord would return and I wouldn't have to experience frustration, fear, anger, heartache. And His returning would be just that.  Freedom for "me". But...

 

Is that what I should be wishing for? Should I want Him to come back to fix my problems?  This is SO selfish...so very un-Christlike.

 

Maybe just maybe He desires us to wish for His return when...

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith." 

2 Timothy 4:7

 

A few Sundays ago we sang this...

"Though the way seems straight and narrow,
All I claimed was swept away;
My ambitions, plans and wishes,
At my feet in ashes lay."

 

And I realized that maybe my life was pressing so hard because it was "my" weight which I had not torched.  Maybe I would not dread my life if I was not fighting so hard for "my" life. What if I just let go of what I wanted...I just torched it to ashes? What if I torched my ambitions, plans, and wishes...burnt them to ashes.

 

 What would happen? 

 

What if I just fought the good fight, kept the faith, finished my course? No matter what my course is, no matter how hard or confusing it might be.

 

 I want to look down at my feet one day and see a huge pile of ashes...my ambitions, plans, and wishes.  And maybe when He does return, I will have ashes on my feet and hopefully my arms can be filled with HIS ambitions, plans and wishes.

 

"For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Matthew 11:30

 

Lighten the load...burn it to ashes!

 

 

 

Some Days It Hurts

There are those days....those days that just plain hurt. You wake up worn out. You dread. You drag. You question.
And as an experiencer (yep, don't even know if that is grammatically correct - using it anyway) of days like this...5 in a row to be exact, I can say it's OK.

Why?

Because God knows!

In fact He not only knows, but He planned these days FOR ME. He knew I needed them. (No. I haven't the foggiest idea why.) He wants me to hurt. I know you are thinking I am loosing it about now....so I will try to explain.
I am weak. I am worn. I fear. I fail daily. I get tempted to give up. I get tunnel vision and can't see the good in anything. I don't want to DO anymore. I just can't see past myself.
And all that pain/frustration brings us to a point where "I" just isn't going to work.
"I" won't try anything because it might be hard.
"I" won't look to Him because he just might ask me to do more.
"I" will say no to just about anything.
So HE is trying to get me to the point where I quit fighting to be an "I".  Because He can do wondrous things through someone who has exhausted every bit of them self. (Not that I have....pretty sure there is still plenty of "I" in me. Scarey!)

So if today hurts...it's OK.

Job 13:15 "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him..."

I Forgot

I forgot!

I forgot to dread getting out of bed to a little girl who disliked me. I forgot to rehash each day to see what I had done wrong or right with her. I forgot to get annoyed every time she ran to a stranger for love instead of me. I forgot to lay in bed every night relieved to have few hours of time away from her. I forgot to resist the urge to glare back when she glared at me. I forgot to pray every night that God would make sense of all the frustration, fear, and anger that oozed out both her and I. I forgot...

.....because one day, when I wasn't paying attention God answered. 

She forgot that she didn't want me for a mother.

I forgot she hasn't always been my daughter.

The other night I looked over at her sitting with her dad and siblings and couldn't possibly imagine what life would be like without her. 

I think from that moment 3 years ago when I looked over at the ultrasound machine and realized that I was indeed not going to have another girl...there was this little girl about to be born in Poland that God had planned for me.

So no matter how incapable you feel, no matter how hard it might be, no matter how difficult it is to make sense of, no matter how frustrating each day plays out.... just forget....forget that you "can't possibly do it" and remember HE CAN.

"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore with I rather glory in mine infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 

2 Corinthians 12:9

"And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." 2 Corinthians 9:8 

  

Oops...it's been a while!

So....yes....it's been four months since I have darkened the door of this blog. I would say it is because I couldn't access the internet, but that would only be partially true. I can access it on my phone, which is what I am doing now. Typing like this is really quite tedious.
My main reason though is a little more complicating. Life has been complicating. Every day has been a new experience and challenge. I have learned so many things....things I can admit, I did not want to learn. Because let's face it....who likes to realize they have no idea what they are doing.

Olivia.

I am not even sure where to begin. She has changed so much in the past few months. and yet...she hasn't.  She is a little slimmer from all the chasing and running from siblings. Her hair has grown like crazy. But she has decided that being small in stature is a big benefit. I think she may be in 2T clothing until she said is 7.

She still speaks very little. She will only say words if prompted. We are hoping to have her enrolled in speech therapy soon. On the other hand, she is a big fan of sign language. She likes to sign "Jesus Loves Me" and "Oh How I Love Jesus".
She likes animals from a distance. And she really enjoys being outside in the dirt. She can spend hours just sitting out in the yard digging and throwing dirt and rocks. She also loves books...and her Dad...and strangers.

Us.

We are adjusting. Daily. Every day is different.
We have learned so much about RAD (reactive attachment disorder) and its effects on children. This is by far the biggest hurdle for us. RAD is serious and it can rock your world. Especially for a mom (I might try to elaborate more on this later).
We are still trying to differentiate between normal Down Syndrome behavior and RAD. This is very confusing. And down right exasperating.
And mainly we have learned that apart from Christ, there is no way we could survive this. He is a shelter in a time of storm. He has to daily reminded us the importance of forgiveness, self control, patience, perseverance.....and the list goes on and on.
Because let's face it. Adoption is awesome...but it is not easy. And sometimes we find the hard things in life are the most rewarding.

Every Good Gift

Ever been given a gift that you though, "Why in the world did they give me this?" You know how it is...the ugly sweater, the gaudy jewelry, the fruitcake, the fencing pliers from your husband (true story). Christmas is a time of gift giving...gifts given and received from loved ones.  No gift we ever receive from others can ever compare to the ones that God gives us. Because He declares that His gifts are ALWAYS GOOD...in fact He even goes as far to say that they are PERFECT.

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning." James 1:17

Sometimes though we look at His gifts and wonder..."What was He thinking? This is a hard gift." You wonder why He picked this specific gift for you.  But He did...and if you seek Him, you realize...it is a PERFECT gift.

THE GIFT OF BEN

written by Hope Budahl Robertson

Where to begin? Maybe I should start by telling you that I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl in June of 2011 and said to my husband, “I think our family is complete. We have 6 beautiful, healthy children, and I’m getting older. The odds of having a problem with one are getting higher. We are done.”

   Maybe I should explain that I have often enjoyed my times with people who have special needs, and in the back of my mind wondered (somewhat fearfully) if God was preparing me for a special needs kid of my own. Maybe I’ll just get to the point. Just after the New Year 2013, I found out that I was pregnant with our 7th child. Though not exactly “planned,” I was thrilled. Every new life is a precious gift, and I looked forward to enjoying one last pregnancy, which I expected to run just like my other 6 seamless pregnancies. However, when I had not yet felt the baby move by 20 weeks, I started to get a little concerned. I called the hospital, and was scheduled for an ultrasound that very day. Upon seeing the heart beat and the tiny baby wiggling on the screen, my fears were relieved…until the doctor walked in and said, “There are a few anomalies on this ultrasound. There is some extra fluid at the back of the baby’s brain, his kidney is enlarged, and you have a one artery umbilical cord. It could be nothing, but your doctor should be calling you in a few days.” At the time, I had no idea what would be coming. Later that night, my OB doctor called. “I think this is of concern. One or even two markers wouldn’t matter, but to see these 3 together is more concerning. I’m going to refer you to a specialist.” Two long weeks later, Jonathan went with me to the ultrasound at the neo-natal clinic. The technician finished up and left the room. When the door opened and 5 or 6 people walked in, we knew there was trouble. Multiple anomalies had been found. There was something wrong with nearly every part of our son’s body. The diagnosis…prepare for a still-born baby. My heart was broken, and I begged God to take the baby quickly. As the shock wore off, I began to reflect that God would see us through this. I remained firm in my belief that He is good, all the time. Not just when things go as I want them to. Friends and family gathered around us, assuring us of their love and prayers. Friends from all around the world heard of our situation and began to pray, and our spirits were comforted. The grief was still there, but God’s presence was greater. The option to terminate the pregnancy was given since it was the opinion of the doctors that the baby would likely not survive, and if he did, he’d be severely handicapped. We stated in no uncertain terms that this was not an option, and it was not brought up again. Rather, everything possible would be done for me and the baby during the remainder of the pregnancy. Multiple genetic tests were done. One by one the obvious diagnoses were ruled out. Specialists were consulted and research was done, but there were no answers. Our hopes would rise and fall and rise again as new possibilities were presented and then disproved. Months of research culminated in one final conclusion, given by the geneticist. “We can hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.” Because the baby was growth restricted, the doctors feared going past 38 weeks, so Oct. 1 was the date chosen for my induction. A routine induction turned into an emergency C-section, and Benjamin Seth, “son of my right hand, in place of the one who was dead,” was delivered in the early hours of Oct. 2. By the time I awakened from being knocked out, Benjamin was already in the NICU, and I was too weak to even lift a finger. But, he was alive!

  The following weeks are a blur, as test after test was run on Benjamin. A tentative decision was made that Ben’s physical anomalies are caused by the very rare Peter’s Plus syndrome, though no tests have been done to confirm. Tests also showed that my tiny baby would need a fairly routine open heart surgery for a total anomalous pulmonary venous return, or he would not live. So, Ben was moved to yet another facility, where the doctors successfully performed a life-saving heart operation on my very weak and sick one month old baby.

  The surgery was the jump-start Benjamin needed. He began to rapidly gain strength. He started to respond to me, and smile at me, and I could hold him without sending his oxygen levels plummeting or his heart rate sky-rocketing.

 

  Two weeks later, he had a gastrointestinal tube put in, since he cannot swallow yet. This was the final step needed before he could come home. On Tuesday, Dec. 10, exactly 10 weeks after I went in for induction, Benjamin came home. We are filled with gratitude to the God who heals. Yes, Benjamin has some issues that will require continuing medical care and therapy for awhile, but there is great hope for improvement. Most of all, God was with us through the uncertainties of the pregnancy, the momentous birth, and the emotionally fraught weeks surrounding the heart surgery, and we KNOW that He will not forsake us now. Those who said, “Are you sure you really want to go through with the heart surgery? After all, Benjamin has so many things wrong with him, and every time we look, we seem to find something else,” are now saying, “Well, Benjamin surprised us.” He’s doing so much better than anyone ever expected and the word from the doctors is now, “He has a long life ahead of him and anything else he needs done is nothing compared to what he’s already been through.” We can truthfully say, we are thankful for this experience. We are thankful for the lessons learned and the opportunity to see God’s hand at work in Benjamin’s and our lives. God is good, ALL the time.

 

Merry Christmas!
 

Understanding This Love

When we told people we were adoptiong, most people were pretty positive about it.  There were some rather negative responses though.  And one really stuck with me....probably because it sort of defines the beginning part of this adoption so well.

"Why would you adopt someone who is never going to understand what you did for them?"

I admit that when I was asked this, I was a little offended. In all my "righteous" (haha) anger, I thought. "Because that is not the point!!!! We were adopting because God has asked to adopt. And He went as far as to ask us to adopt someone who may not quite understand." (See! Good thing I only thought this and did not say it out loud.) I am hoping that this person was just trying to prepare me. And although I thought that my mind was prepared, I could never understand what they were saying until I actually experienced it. And experience it, I did!!!

Olivia didn't need me. As far as she knew, she was just fine where she was. She didn't need attention or food or therapy....she was cared for. And no matter how much I told myself to understand this, it was exceedingly hard to embrace.

From the moment we stepped into her institution, they took every opportunity to show us just how well she was taken care of...how much they were doing for her. And then they pointed out that I may not be able to take care of her the way they do. Parents were unnecessary for a child like her, because she just needed therapy, food, and a place to keep her safe. Right?

I fought hard to keep my mind wrapped around the fact that God had chosen us to raise her. It was a battle in my mind each day. And even when they finally stopped telling me I was inadequate to meet her needs and the judge declared her ours, I still had trouble connecting with this child. This child who thought I had ruined her rather fun life. She glared, she moaned, she cried any time she actually had to do anything with me. She disliked me and she wanted away from me. I had no idea a child could so strongly dislike their "Mom". She wanted life the way it was...and she still does. Do I expect her to understand? No. But my heart screams for her to understand that just because my love is different than attention she had before, it is still love.

Do you see a parallel here? I know I do. How many times do we look at our Christian life and just want things to be the way they were before? How much easier was it before we actually understood what it meant to be adopted , to be chosen,to be loved by Someone we have never met.

According as he hath chosen us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before him in love: Having predestinated us unto the adoption of children by Jesus Christ to himself, according to the good pleasure of his will. Ephesians 1:4-5

To realize that being adopted means that our life has to change. Their are new expectations, rules....a new life....different from our life before. We are to reach out add love the One who loved us first. Even if our life in Him is a little harder at times. Even if we feel He is not easy. Even if He has expectations of us.

To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved. In whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of his grace;Wherein he hath abounded toward us in all wisdom and prudence; Having made known unto us the mystery of his will, according to his good pleasure which he hath purposed in himself: Ephesians 1:6-9

He is not attention. He is not always fun. He isn't easy. He is LOVE UNCONDITIONAL. He is our inheritance.
Do we ever fully understand? Do we understand what it's like to have a new parent?

The eyes of your understanding being enlightened; that ye may know what is the hope of his calling, and what the riches of the glory of his inheritance in the saints. Ephesians 1:18

So as I hope some day, for a bit of love and acceptance from Olivia. I am daily reminded that I am also adopted, chosen, and loved. Do I live my life in such a way that shows Him that I love Him, accept Him, understand His love?

Is this the end?

Almost two months have passed since I last posted.  I would blame how busy it has been (and it has been busy), but I know that is not the complete truth. I have struggled with whether to continue writing on this blog or to just close it.  It served it's purpose, right?  I was able to let you follow along on our rather wild journey of adopting Olivia. And now she's home. And in all my pride...I decided I would rather not tell you about the struggles and frustrations that have accompanied being home. I just told myself that what I had to say really wouldn't help anyone. Or would it?
Today, while I scrubbed out behind my stove and refrigerator (nasty job), I argued with myself (yes, this happens often). To end or not to end?  Do you really want to hear about valleys and shadows?  I like to call it my "trenches".  Because sometimes they are just there and I stumble into them, and other times I dig them myself. I know that for myself, those trenches are a rather wonderful part of the life God has given me.  Because it seems that when I finally get to the end of one, God reveals something rather glorious!
So here is what I have decided....y'all get to decide!  Do you really want to hear about the "way that Christ changes  me/us"? Let me know....

....because I will empty the next post out of my brain and make room for something like a password or recipe.

One Month

It is hard to believe that I have officially been in Poland for a month.  You know, people always say "Time flies"....it doesn't.  I feel as if I have been here forever.  Leave someone you love behind (or five someones) and just see how quickly the time goes. But this has been a learning experience for me.  Let me divide it up this way....

Things I have learned about Olivia.

1. She is a rambunctious, energy filled kid. She fights. She plays. She pouts (a lot). Why is it that people assume that because you have Down Syndrome that you are somehow different?
2. She has some medical issues that definitely need dealt with at home. Most of them can be addressed by a Ear, Nose and Throat doctor.  She snores while she is awake and when she swallows, it sounds like she is swallowing rocks.
3. She has clothing issues.  She likes them off...so she can put them back on...and take them back off.  This is harmless (other than stretched socks and shirts) but drives me insane.
4. She is an excellent car traveller (opposed to what the nuns told us).  None of my kids travel as well as she has.
5. She has no "full" gauge when it comes to food.  And although this is funny (because, don't we all feel this way sometimes?); it can be really bad for her. 
6. She doesn't know how to handle attention. This can also be potentially bad for her.
7.She has a really weird laugh.  I am serious.  I have never heard anything like it...ok wait, I have.  Riley can make a laugh similar to this when he wants to, but he has to force it and it comes natural for her.
8. Her feet, I am absolutely certain, are square.
9. If you put her in a swing, you may never get her back out.
10. She backwashes...do not EVER share your drink with her!

Things I have learned about Poland.

1. Poland is beautiful
2. Poland is crowded.
3. The weather is very unpredictable. Sunny and warm one day and then cold and rainy the next.
4. The people are very, very laid back.  Never assume how long it is going to take even the simplest things to get done ...like a passport photo.
5. The only time the are not laid back is when they are driving.   And signs are a suggestion here.  I am not even sure they have stop signs.
6. They have "American Food" restaurants here.  I am not sure why this is weird to me.  Maybe because most "American" food is Italian, Mexican, French...etc.
7. Old ladies ride their bikes to church on Sunday with their high-heels on.
8. And there really are little old men who sit on the bus stop bench reading novels...legs crossed, cane leaning against them, scarf wrapped around their neck, hat on.
9. The trees are so amazing to see.  Color everywhere.

Things I have learned about myself.

1. I like tea. (I think.)

2. I can't handle being away from my kids this long. (I already knew this...so I guess this one should not be on this list.)

3. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done.
4. Hence, I have eaten way more chocolate bars than I would care to admit. (Their chocolate is fantastic here.)

5. I am not at all classy looking, pushing a stroller with one toddler in it and dragging the other toddler by a leash. (Yes, everyone stares. Weird foreigner.)
6. Every. day. is. hard.  I don't mean this as a reflection of Poland....it is a reflection of me.  I get up wishing the day was already over.  I know God is pushing and sometimes pulling me through each day.  I have something each day to learn and I have to look for it.  Even if the day only teaches me "Karen, you need to learn to chill out and relax. Not everything is going to go smoothly today, so get over yourself."
7. I do NOT envy people with twins. AT ALL. (To those of you who have them or are going to have them, "You are my hero.") I have no idea how to contain these two.  It's as if I am constantly getting on to someone. "Stop putting that pillow on her head." "Stop licking the mirror." "No, you can't have gum again." "Would you just poop already." "Eat your supper." "Quit wiping your supper in your hair." "Sit still. You! You sit still too! Stop wiggling." "How can your nose be running again.  Stop licking your boogers."

And the lists go on and on.  Thank goodness, I get to go pick up my husband from the airport. And we can enjoy what is (hopefully) my last week in Poland together.




Losing It

Ever have one of those times in your life where you were clear on what it was God wanted you to do?  You knew you were on a path that He wanted you on. You were prepared.  You were steady. You were confident. You had it all under control.
Yeah, me neither.

In fact, I realized something.....
I do not have to have control.  I don't have to understand. I do not have to be cool and collected.  I do not even have to always "like" what God has asked me to do.
I do have to believe....
He is God. 
He knows what's going on and I do not have to.
He has control.
I just have to continue in his will for me.  I admit that this approach to life can feel a bit like you are hanging on the edge of a cliff screaming for help.

I spent the first two weeks in Poland wondering what in the world I was doing here. Did I know adopting Olivia was what God wanted? Yes.
Did I spend a year working to get here? Yes.
Did I think I was prepared for her? Yes.
Did I care about all the above things? NO WAY!
I wanted to run home.  Home to my own kids, my own house, my own food, my own language.  I questioned why in the world I had been willing to do this in the first place. How in the world was I going to care for her and my kids too? Did I really want to make a lifetime commitment to a child I did not know? I questioned every single thing that the Lord had taught me over the past year and a half.  I did not want to do what He wanted me to.  Because let's face it....I was scared.  After all,she is scary, right?

Oh come on....she is scary. ;)

Sad thing is. My fear had nothing to do with her.
 It was just about me....giving up...ME.
I needed to be reminded that this was God's plan not mine.  I was here to glorify Him and not myself.  And although I did not feel like she was my child, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was His child; and He asked me to take her home and love her unconditionally. 
I can not say that I came to this understanding the easy way.
In fact, I feel so sorry for my husband.  He came with me on this journey because he saw my conviction and searched it out with me. It became our desire.  And then we get here and I fall apart. It wasn't pretty. Yet he put up with my insanity.  He only ditched me on the side of the road once. I survived the walk back to the institution with a stroller on the skinny, pot holed road with cars swerving around me at mach speed.
Otherwise, he was great. ;)
And I was a mess.
But I decided that day....after surviving my walk. (dramatic pause)
I lost "control" because maybe that was the only way for me to let Christ gain it.  And you know, no matter how many times God teaches me to let Him be in control (which is quite often); it always so much better when I learn that all the questions and fears can rest on His shoulders. And I can give Him the control of it all.
 I am ok with the fact that I am a living object lesson of "I can do all things through Christ - because without out Him I am a disaster."


 "The good news is that Jesus does not call you to control everything, nor does He expect you to. Actually, He wants you to be okay with the fact that you can’t. Your “success” is not measured by your capacity to keep everything in order; it’s determined by your ability to trust that even in the chaos Jesus is beautiful – and even in the mess, so are you." --unknown

Warsaw

Warsaw is such a beautiful, unique place.  It was such an amazing place to visit.  Grazyna (my agency facilitator) and her husband, Wojtek, took the kids and I on a trip to Old and New Town Warsaw on Sunday afternoon.  They were kind enough to push the kids strollers so I could snap my pictures to my hearts content.  Wojtek, joked that I must have at least taken 1000 pictures....it was only 126. There was just so many amazing things to see. 

So here's my best attempt at copying some things I learned from him while in Warsaw.

After about 20  minutes of driving in circles searching for a parking spot, we parked and walked toward Old Town. The castle looking wall in the upper right corner of the collage is the entrance to the Old Town.  Just inside the walls are vendors selling various painting and other Polish crafts.  I missed getting a picture of this, because Grazyna was moving quickly and I was afraid I might get lost. The streets are packed with tourists and locals. Pushing kids in strollers was a bit hard on the uneven walkways and cobblestone streets. 

Old Town is actually the "newest" old town in the world.  Remember World War II?  Warsaw definitely does.  During the Warsaw Uprising (August 1, 1944 - the Polish people decided to fight back against Nazi oppression.), Warsaw was destroyed.

Over 200,000 Polish people died trying to liberate Warsaw from Nazi Germany. The Soviet army stood opposite bank of the river and watched for 63 days without sending any aid (other than the 1,200 people who dared to swim the river to help).  By January, 85% of Warsaw was crumbled heaps.

When the war ended the people of Warsaw began rebuilding. They resurrected the town using pictures, paintings, and memories of what the town used to look like. So you could say that Warsaw Old Town is more of a replica of the original. The streets are bumpy and uneven due to the fact that they did not level the ground after the distruction.  They rebuilt right on top of all the destruction.  They wanted everything as close to the original as possible.

New Town pretty much skirts around the walls of Old Town. You really can never tell which one you are in. I think I could have just spent an hour taking pictures of the beautiful windows, doors, and architecture.  The buildings are amazing. Speaking of....

Check out this one.  That little tiny building in the middle has it's very own address.  It is the smallest building in Warsaw. On the same block is this...

Apparently these bricks here are 500 years old.  They just randomly stick out on the side of a house, so I am guessing, they are something that actually survived the Uprising.

The streets are just bustling with activity.  Street artists, singers, people playing instruments, merchants, and this guy...

Orrin loved watching him make bubbles. They were pretty fantastic if I do say so myself. "What do you do for a living?" "Oh, I make bubbles."  Oh yeah, sounds like a good job for me; except when the kids pop them before you actually get them made.  He took it way better than I would have. :)

The shops are filled with souvenirs, jewelry, clothing and (my personal favorite) authentic Polish Pottery.

Do you think it will fit in my suitcase?  Not sure I need a teapot that large; although, after staying here for 3 weeks, I have developed quite a love for tea. Let me clarify....I like some tea.  I still can't stand the plain old black tea that they usually serve. Nasty stuff. Anyway, back to the pottery. It is gorgeous.  I hope I can go back and get at least one piece to stow in my suitcase with all the chocolate I am going to take home. Tea and chocolate...oh yeah!

And speaking of food....

Yes, it was all mine....and I enjoyed every last bite.

They did too!

And then there was this place.  Anyone know who Marie Skłodowska-Curie is? Me either...well, until I realized he meant Marie Curie. You know the one we all learned about in science.  She discovered polonium and radium. Who knew she wasn't French?  I sure didn't.  She was Polish and grew up right here in Warsaw.

Her childhood home (the one with the iron balcony with flowers) is now a museum. Apparently the French didn't even start to claim her until she won her second Nobel Prize.

Lastly we went to see the oldest church in Warsaw.  Grazyna and her husband were married in this church. Just as we were leaving, they turned on the lights.

So pretty!

We had such a great time in Old Town.  Hopefully I can take Josh when he returns. And sneak in some pottery shopping and maybe another waffle. ;)