Stand Alone

Have you ever done something you knew was right.  And you hoped people would understand.  You hoped they would eventually see things through your eyes. You had hoped you would not be alone.  You thought you needed others to feel like you were doing what is right.

 And then you realized that was not going to happen?

What next?

Standing alone is hard.  But when you know you are never truly alone, it is possible.  You can step out against the current and do what you were called to do even if no one stands with you. God created us to need Him. And while I do feel He wanted us to have Christian friends and family to support and care for us, when they won't stand with you...STAND ALONE.  Don't back down.  Jesus is enough.  He is in you and with you no matter how alone you begin to feel. He is loyal...He's not going anywhere. 

The past few years, God has asked me to live in a way that most people in my life did  not understand. And if I am being honest here, I do not always understand it either.  My life is complicating. I have a lot of days where I wished that I could just go back in time to when I had friends, I had family, my days were predictable....and now....most days are a giant battle.  A battle I would rather not fight, but I am.  When I try to explain my life to others I get raised eyebrows, blank stares, and of course, my personal favorite, unsolicited advice. 

But I will not go back.  It's lonely here.  When He entrusted me with something hard...something others did not understand...something that might change everything, I had to let go and not worry whether I could get people to join me. And I am very slowly learning how to not be ashamed of this life He has called me to. I hope to say with confidence someday that I survived. He was enough to walk me through it all alone. 

  

"But I am not ashamed , for I know in whom I have believed, and I am now convinced that He is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted me." 2 Timothy 1:12

Pretty Box

"I've been holding on so tight,

Look at these knuckles they've gone white, 

From fighting for who I want to be,

I'm just trying to find security, 

But you say let it go, you say let it go,

You say life is waiting for the ones who lose control,

You say you will be everything I need, 

You say if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul, 

You say let it go" -- Tenth Avenue North

I am not sure about you, but I struggle with control. Control makes things predictable...makes everything fit into nice neat little boxes. Whip out the pretty damask wrapping paper and a shiny white ribbon. Don't forget the hand lettered tags (because you are awesome like that)...

Good little children box...check
Savings for retirement, college, vacations box...check
Well maintained car box...check
Perfect marriage box...check
Clean house box...check
Home-schooled children box...check
Adequate church attendance and participation box...check
Daily Bible reading box...check

These are a nice little grouping of boxes. And they look so pretty for others to see. They will see a well ordered life... picture perfect example of what a Christian should be, right?  I mean this is what control is about, right?....making sure our lives look perfect to those around us. We will win the world for Christ through our appealing lifestyle.

But what if God asks you to let it go.  Open the boxes!  Because the life He chose for us isn't lived in a perfectly trimmed out box. Maybe it will be messy...maybe it will be hard...maybe it will involve sacrifice.

"For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the Gospel's will save it." --Mark 8:35

I am slowly beginning to understand the enormity of loss we have when we control our outcome; when we control what, when, where, and how things are going to happen for us and the ones we love. We seem to get this idea that God is only going to ask us to do things that are within our means.  If something takes a little more than we are comfortable with, then it couldn't possibly be God's will for us. He wouldn't ask us to give more, do more, love more, hurt more.

"He is no fool who gives what he can not keep to gain what he can not lose." --Jim Elliot

God has a beautiful story for us...and it is just right outside of our well-ordered life.  It is a story of loosing ourselves and letting go of our grip on others.  Reaching outside of our comfortable, pretty-box world and seeing the world for what it truly is. He never meant for us to sit back and enjoy comfort, safety, and security.

"If we wait until we're sure we'll do a thing purely and perfectly, we'll never accomplish the will of God on earth" -- Elisabeth Elliot

I know that at some point in your life God has or will ask you to do something beyond your control.  He is going to ask you to give more than you can give, to lose more than you want to lose,  to go where you don't want to go. He will want us to forsake that comfy, cozy feeling we have when we have everything figured out. And when He does, what will our knuckles look like?




 

Being Irrational

Rationalize - to make something irrational appear rational or reasonable; to justify; to provide a explanation of

Do you do this?  I know I do. I live pretty remote: we attend a church an hour away from our home; we shop and hour away from home; most friends and family live a good distance away from us. Suffice it to say, I spend a lot of time running around in my own head. (It's very tiring....so I nap a lot)   I told my husband the other day that since my mother passed away (yes, she called almost every day to talk about whatever), I have noticed that I have a lot of whole conversations in my head.  I even argue with myself.  I will spend an entire drive to pick up my kids from school, arguing over something that is bothering me. I will state my case and then think of all the reasons why or why not I should feel the way I do about said subject.  

And I have noticed during times I sit and mull over things with myself that I do a major amount of rationalizing.  I want what I am doing to make sense. I don't want to make a false move,  So I sit and work over in my head whether this or that is the right thing to do. 

 As a Christian this can be good in a way...you know, in a "think before you act or speak" sort of way. But I have also noticed this can be harmful too. Because no matter how much I reason in my head...I am still human and the flesh is very good at winning the "does this even sound rational" arguments.  Not everything in the Christian life is supposed to be reasonable....not everything is supposed to be justified. Christ calls us to do pretty irrational things (humanly speaking).  I am sure Jim Eliot could have rationalized his way out of going to a cannibalistic tribe...or Corrie Ten Boom from hiding Jews...or Pastor Saeed Abedini from preaching in Iran. 

Lets just say you are throwing something around in your head...your rationalizing...it could be anything really...  

I can guarantee that you have said one of these:

People are going to question my motives. 

My friends are going to disagree with me. What if I lose my friends because of this?

This is going to really chip into my savings. It doesn't make sense to not have a financial safety net.

What about my children?  How will this effect their future?

I can't do this.  I am really not qualified. --there are people out there who would be way better than me at this.

I'm just not comfortable stepping out on a limb like this.

I am not a leader.

I can't just leave a good job.

But my family and friends are here.

There are many more...trust me I have tried them all on for size. But I can tell you this... a rational life is not what Christ intended for His children. Paul certainly seemed to have had this figured out.  He knew that a rational life was not a Christian life...it was the opposite really. He was not writing just from his own personal opinion either...His words were Christ's words.  His words often sound a bit irrational...

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed every day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond comparison, as we look not on things which are seen but t things which are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal" 2 Cor. 4:16-18

"But he said to me,"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness," Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content in weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Cor. 12:9-10

"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me." Gal 2: 20

"Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ....do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only on his own interests, but also on the interests of others." Phil. 1: 27-2:4

 

Don't trade a rational life for an eternal one.

Is What Is, Really How It Should Be?

The other day, I was joking with a friend about my first world problems of not being able to brew the "perfect" cup of tea.  I told her that my lame attempts at chai just couldn't quite compare to the one time I had a chai latte at Panera with her.... the place where people are paid to make a perfect cup of tea.  My attempts seemed so blah in comparison. So I decided, that I shall never again drink tea...you know...since it is not "perfect". Right?  No, seriously...who could stop drinking tea (sorry coffee drinkers...you can throw coffee in there every time I bring up tea if it makes you feel better). So do I drink my sub-par tea or quit? Can I accept what is even though there are people out there drinking better?

You see it's easy to look around us and see "perfection" and think we don't compare.  It's easy to look at our lives and see a murky, blah, not very interesting cup of life.  For the last year or so I have been fighting with the realization that... "What if my life is what it is?"... "What if things don't get better?" Then what?  There may never be perfect harmony, perfect health, perfect love, a perfect situation...

Is this ok?

I used to be under the delusion that God was using a rough situation to teach me a lesson....and once I learned that lesson, things would immediately improve. (Yes, I hear you chuckling.) I kept asking Him what I was supposed to learn from the hard things.  The quicker I figured out what I need to learn/fix, then the quicker my problems would cease to exist.  In time, I realized that maybe things were not going to improve....I was working so hard and yet nothing was changing.  "Wait what?!? I did all that personal improvement for nothing? What do I do now? I wan't peace....I can't do this hard stuff forever."

Could God really have a purpose in letting us live with a hard situation...a child who may never be "normal", an illness that may never be remedied, a broken marriage, a severed relationship, a less than glamorous job, financial instability, a rebellious child....? Does He really want us weak and powerless to change our life? Ummm...yes.

"Likewise the Spirit helps in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words, And He who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:26-28

I'm not sure about you, but this verse is very hard to swallow; and yet it goes down so sweet and smooth. The Lord says we are weak...(yep, that is hard to accept)....that we don't know what to pray for...(Great, really, all those prayers I prayed for Him to fix me/fix others/fix problems were probably not at all what was needed). And yet, here's where it gets good....He searches our hearts, intercedes, and knows what the will of God is for us. He knows what is good for us. Wow.

Do you ever look at your trouble and trials and see God?  I know it is hard...but He is there.  He intercedes for you.  No matter how weak we get. No matter how often we cry out in prayer for the pain to go away.  He's there making sure our prayers are heard.  He is holding us through this (no matter how long it lasts) and making sure all things work out for good. Our idea of good?  Probably not.  But His good is so much better than we can imagine.

So if you are still fighting for the life that looks perfect....let go.  A hard situation is a lot able to bear when we walk with Him and let Him carry it for us. Lose the idea of the "perfect" cup of life and drink the one He has for you. You may find out that He is using the life you are in for His glory.

"For whoever would save His life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it. For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul?" Mark 8:35

And if you are wondering...yes, I do still drink my sub-par tea.  I keep trying to tweak it. I've tried probably 6 different brands of chai!!! I know, it's a crazy quest of mine. So if you have any suggestions, I am all ears.  Unless, of course, you are going to tell me to drink coffee instead; and then, I am not listening.

Wounds of Change

 Today I am sitting here in my favorite chair by the fire watching it rain. I love days like this. Big heavy gray clouds and changing leaves are the essence of fall.  And yet today is a day that I would rather sweep under the rug. The day I admit....change hurts.  Yep. It took me a year to say that.  In just a few days, I would have officially have not typed on this blog for a full year. Why? Change.  Oh wait, I have seen that word before somewhere....right....it's up there in the title.

Change is a fickle thing.  One minute you are embracing it...it's beautiful and full of purpose.  And the next you are heaping shovels filled with dirt upon it.  You do anything to make it stop...to hide it's effects. Because not all change is fun.  Not all change brings smiles and fuzzy hearts.  Some changes just break your heart, your will, your desire to move on. And yet God asks us to continually change....change to be more like Him and less like ourselves. THIS. IS. HARD.  THIS. IS. OVERWHELMING. THIS. IS. NECESSARY. And so with a heart full of change, I am here.

Today I picked up a computer covered in the dust of neglect, dusted it off, spent an hour guessing at the password, sorted through pictures that weren't mine, cried a little, deleted things that were no longer necessary.. I had to change the computer passwords and username.  And change the screensaver....it is now the only picture that I found that made me cry. Because this is not my computer, they aren't my pictures, my saved websites, my favorites....it's my mom's. But for some reason this dusty thing screamed at me from it's corner today....time to stop hiding in a dusty corner.

A friend told me the other day that she missed my blogs and although I wanted to be funny and sarcastic and act like I didn't know why in the world she would even bother reading them, I decided to be honest.  I said, "Sorry...I just couldn't do it anymore..." And guess what? She didn't answer me...at all. No "there,there, baby". Nothing.  And whether it was intentional or she just got busy and forgot to answer, it bugged me.  I kept thinking about my answer. And I asked myself "why?"

Because hard change is something we keep to ourselves.  It's something we leave in the closet.  We don't want to let people see the hard stuff...the stuff that truly changes who we are.
When change takes longer than we expected; when it doesn't come and we want it to; when it does come or we wish so badly that it didn't have to......I know you've been there too.
And sadly, when you go through something like this you think, "no one really wants to know this part of my life".  You cover it all up with pretty posed pictures and "I'm fine".   I know I am not the only one who does this.  You are out there....I know it.  Something happened. Something hurt.  Something changed... and you hid.  Instead of baring the wounds of change in the open, you covered them.

 "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God." Psalm 42:11

I'm sitting here today on my mom's computer for a reason. Christ is my hope. He was my mom's hope. And she was a fighter...she didn't quit until He was ready for her to. So...no matter how hard the difficulty, no matter how long the struggle....let Him change you.  You might think it was better before (and let me tell you...there are days...I think this way too much). And sadly for y'all it's time for me to bare some wounds. It's time to let fear go....embrace hard change. And give it all to God. I hope you will join me.

 There is hope in Him...He loves us...He changes us...He's got this...Tell Him "Thank You!"...even if it's still bleeding.

National whatever you want it to be Month

Yep it's November....national peanut butter month, national writing month, national diabetes awareness month...and the list goes on and on.  Here at the Johnson house, we have a favorite designation for this month...National Adoption Month (although peanut butter month is a close second).
Actually it is great that November is Adoption Month because November first is the first day, Olivia set foot in her new country, new home, and first family.  Up until then, she was part of a pretty staggering statistic ...163,000,000 orphans.  My mind is blown!  Hope yours is too.

It is strange how I grew up in a Christian family, went to a Christian college, and went to church my entire life and I really don't ever remember being exposed to just how many of the "fatherless" are out there.  (Now I will say, I may have been told and just forgot or didn't truly listen.) I remember hymns, I remember how I was taught to dress, I remember my memory verses and books of the Bible, I remember doctrines...I could keep going.  But sadly I never remember learning to serve "the fatherless and widows in their affliction" (James 1:27)...even though, in high school I actually memorized the entire book of James. We should be teaching our children this enough that it actually makes an impact on them.

A couple years ago, Christ gave me a wake up call.  KAREN, THEIR ARE LOTS AND LOTS OF ORPHANS...DO SOMETHING!!! (No, this was not audible. But I did hear it nonetheless.)  And ever since that day when I clicked a  web link out of curiosity, Christ has been working on my view of the fatherless.  Each day I realize just how much I fail (yep, adopting once and never doing another thing for the other millions is a failure) at acting upon the knowledge I have in my head.  We are Christians...we should act like Christ.  Who I am pretty sure did not just memorize the book of James...HE LIVED IT.

So today I am going to show you a little bit of what I have learned.  Deciding to adopt is hard. Adoption paperwork is harder. And shockingly enough, raising an adopted child is even harder.  BUT with God all things are possible.  And while you feel you may not be able to actually ADOPT, I have learned some pretty amazing things that EVERYONE can do.

So while you are sitting there enjoying National Cappuccino Day, National Housewife Day, National Deviled Egg Day(today), National Doughnut Day, National Pickle Day, or National Chicken Lady Day(my personal favorite), or even National Cook For Your Pets Day(seriously?!?), maybe you can swipe a little peanut butter on doughnut(just remember to be aware of diabetes, while doing this)...or pickle (if you are weird like that) and check out these places that actually help change the lives of orphans:

(PS. These will be in order of when I learned about them...not order of importance. And these are just a few...there are so many more.)

#1 - Reece's Rainbow   This websight will open your eyes.  It is dedicated to helping children around the world with special needs find their special families. And the great thing is...it helps those families raise money for adoption.  So whether you decide to adopt or not, you can always help someone else in their journey to adopt.

#2 - Children's House International  This was our adoption agency. They are wonderful agency.  They have many waiting children listed.  I am really rooting for one of their waiting children...I hope she finds a home soon.

(Photo Credit: CHI -this is Olivia)

#3 - Chances 4 Children This place is fantastic.  They have such a broad range of ways to help orphans in Haiti.  They run orphanages and medical clinics, help women with jobs so they can keep their children, and sponsor orphaned children for schooling, food, and medical care.  So if you can spare a little money each month...there are many children in Haiti who can use a sponsor.

(photo credit: Chances4Children's facebook page)

#4- Pure Religion Apparel Here's something a little less intense.  Help people fund their adoptions by buying these t-shirts for your family for Christmas. 50% of the cost of each shirt goes to an adopting family! (They even have a section which raises money to help the persecuted Christians in the Middle East --just throwing that in their even though it doesn't have to do with adoption.) Great shop...great causes!!!

(Photo Credit: Pure Religion's facebook page)

#5 - Snowflake Embryo Adoptions Now this one was a stretch even for me...I just learned about this one.  Did you know how many embryos are frozen in US? 600,000!!! Yep.  These are CHILDREN who may never be given the option of being born.  They have 3 fates: being discarded (seriously, people?!?), being dedicated to science (think stem cell research here...sorry, but I find this wrong) or they can be ADOPTED!  Yep, there are parents who have chosen to make sure their frozen CHILDREN (because let's face it, they are children) are born even if it is not to them! What an amazing choice! And who knew you could actually give birth to your adopted child?!?

And this is just my short list...so do SOMETHING this National Adoption Month.  Because there are 163,000,000 kids out there who deserve for Christians to follow Christ example...
"Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world." James 1:27

One Year

October 9th, 2013 Weronika Radola officially became Olivia Veronica Johnson.

 

 And I have been wracking my brain for the right words to express what to say that would properly sum up life with Olivia has been like this year.  And I decieded that I have no words (shocking, right).  I can not adequately say what needs to be said about her...about us...about life. So I chose to say it through the words of a song that has really spoken to me...when I hear it, I am ever reminded of THIS LOVE. You know, the love God exemplifies. The one He teaches. The one He asks us to share with others. The love we should fight for. 

 

Love is not a place

To come and go as we please

It's a house we enter in

And then commit to never leave

So lock the door behind you

Throw away the key

We'll work out together

Let it bring us to our knees

To some love is a word

That they fall into

But when they're falling out

Keeping their word is hard to do

Love will come to save us

If we only call

He will ask nothing from us

But demand we give our all

Love is a shelter

In a raging storm

Love is peace

In the middle of a war

If we try to leave

May God send angels to bar the door

No, love is not a fight

But it is something worth fighting for.

I will fight for you will fight for you

Will you fight for me?

Because love is worth fighting for...

 

-Warren Barfield